Because I’ve been spending all of my free time working on getting my latest book out and packing up at school for my big move to Watkins Mill (go Wolverines!) for next year, I haven’t been paying much attention to the news.
Which is why I’m SO grateful to Anthony Weiner for screwing his life up SO utterly that his sexting scandal is still going on.
In fact, Nancy Pelosi telling him to get his ass out of Congress on Saturday kept it as some of the country’s top news.
Okay, officially she told him he needed to “step down.” But I’m positive that the conversation really went something like this:
Anthony (answering the phone): Hello?
Nancy: Weiner, you douche-asaurus rex, get your moronic sexting ass out of Congress before I kill and eat you.
Now that may not sound like much of a threat because Nancy Pelosi is pretty tiny (I saw her in the pit at a Springsteen show at the Verizon center once and she’s literally Snooki-short). But the tiny ones are usually the scariest. I feel like people would laugh at her if she threatened them and then it’d be like the rabbit in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
That rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
But I digress.
I’m kind of torn on whether Weiner needs to actually step down or not, to be honest. I mean, is he a cheating scumbag? Absolutely. Is he an idiot for putting his flirtations in writing/pictures? Definitely. Is he alone? Hell no.
I hate to break it to you, but I think everyone who has a phone/email address has sent a racy text message or email at some point in the last ten years.
People get so up in arms about teenagers sexting, but I think the problem there is more about their age than the fact that they’re sending dirty messages. And I’m pretty sure that men have taken pictures of their genitals starting back with Jacques Daguerre (the dude who invented the daguerreotype, which was basically the first widespread type of pre-film image). You can’t tell me that he invented modern photography and DIDN’T try to see what his junk looked like in a daguerreotype. Sorry. Not buying it.
Wait, did you hear that?
It sounded like a banshee coming to steal my soul.
Oh wait, it was just the sound of my mother screaming in horror/rage.
So if we’ve all done it, do we have any room to condemn Anthony Weiner?
Well I don’t know about you, but I have plenty of room to.
Because I’m not married and I’m not an elected official who’s hoping to be the next mayor of New York City.
I also don’t have a last name that pretty much MEANS what he was sending pictures of.
Sorry Mr. Weiner. You lose.
But he’s certainly not alone, even in being a married elected official. He’s now joined a LONG list of cheating scumbag politicians who got caught. And I’m sure there are even more out there who just HAVEN’T been caught yet.
Lately, I’ve been hearing a lot of speculation in the news about the connection between politics and sex. And I know the answer. It’s much simpler than you’d think actually.
I’ll give you a hint.
Why do people go into politics?
If you said, “to help people,” congratulations, you’re NOT a cynical, jaded jerk yet.
If you said, “ostensibly to help people, but really because they like having the power to control what happens,” then congratulations! You’re a cynical bastard, but you’re also right.
So they like power, okay, who doesn’t? I mean, I personally fully intend to take over the world someday. Does that mean I’m going to sleep around as soon as I’m in power?
Hell no! Have you seen me? I don’t need power to get laid! I’m a chick.
But have you seen the men in our government? Yikes… NOT an attractive group over all. These are guys who weren’t exactly fighting the ladies off with a stick before becoming famous/influential/powerful. So when beautiful women start finding them fascinating (aka rich/famous), they don’t have enough experience/willpower/brains to resist them.
This isn’t anything new. Contrary to popular belief, Bill Clinton did NOT invent the sex scandal. This has been going on since the dawn of time. The only difference is that technology has made the extra-marital activities of politicians into TMZ fodder.
So what’s the answer?
You had to know I’d have one, right?
I’ve got a formula for calculating whether politicians are allowed to cheat in peace or whether they need to get their butts out of office before Nancy Pelosi launches herself at them like an angry Oompa Loompa.
We need to convert several factors into numbers first. So on a scale of 1-10, 1 being bad, 10 being awesome, we need to determine the politician’s positive influence on his or her constituency at the time of the crisis. We also need to rank the hotness of the politician’s wife, the hotness of the other women, and the efforts that the politician made to conceal the affairs.
Once you have all of that information, the formula is simple:
(Positive influence x hotness of other women) / (hotness of wife x effort to conceal affair) minus 3 if your wife is dying/pregnant/off saving the free world when you cheated on her.
If the number is greater than one, you can stay in office. If it’s under one, you’re out.
Let’s try this out with a couple of examples.
For Bill Clinton, I would argue that our formula looks like this (8 x 3) / (2 x 9). It’s greater than one, so he stays in office.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: (5 x 4) / (6 x 10). Less than one. Therefore, if he'd still been in office, he'd have to go. Sorry Arnold. But good move not telling people until you were out of office!
Now that brings us to our dear friend Anthony Weiner: (5 x 7) / (6 x 2). His number is over one, would mean that he can stay. But when you subtract 3 for his wife being preggers, he's out.
It’s the perfect formula.
Which means that I’m terribly sorry, Anthony, but it’s over. You’re done. Thanks for playing though. And I’d recommend leaving on your own. Because you do NOT want Nancy Pelosi coming for you.
Which would probably look something like this:
(couldn't get the video to embed, sorry!)