Hanukkah ends tonight, which brings me to my most thankful time of the year.
No, I don’t mean that I'm thankful for the presents I got (although I LOVE my new surround sound amp—thanks mom and dad!), I mean because I made it through another Hanukkah without burning my house down.
Which is MUCH harder than you’d think. Trust me. I’ve had a few close calls.
Granted, only two of my three major apartment fires have been Hanukkah related. The non-Hanukkah fire REALLY wasn’t my fault. Whoever wired my condo nearly a dozen years before I was born set up the kitchen outlets on two different circuits, so when I was on a massive home improvement kick and wanted to replace the really old plugs, I didn’t realize one outlet was still live after I shut off the main kitchen circuit breaker. Luckily when the sparks set the roll of paper towels on fire, I was right next to the sink and was able to put it out by myself. Then I cried hysterically, called my dad, and told him I burned my house down.
The last two Hanukkahs, however, I wasn’t as lucky.
It’s a little known fact that Hanukkah is actually the most dangerous event of the Jewish year (assuming that it’s a year when no one is trying to exterminate us en masse, which DOES happen way too frequently for comfort). Christmas trees and deep fried turkeys may account for most winter house fires in non-Jewish families, but Hanukkah is responsible for approximately 97 percent of Jewish house fires (assuming that my household is the norm, not the exception).
Personally, I think it’s a conspiracy.
No, I’m not paranoid. Hear me out.
Menorahs are the most dangerous products in a Jewish household. As a people, we’re notorious worriers. I never even knew that they made non-safety scissors until I got to college. But Hanukkah candles are long because they’re supposed to burn for awhile to memorialize the miracle that started the holiday, and they’re put in these teeny tiny little shallow candle holding cups on a menorah.
The big problem though is that menorahs lull us into a false sense of security. When you first buy your menorah, the candles fit snugly, making you think that your house is safe. But after a couple of years worth of candle wax buildup, those mini-torches are wobbling in that thing like a fat chick eating Jello during an earthquake.
And there’s no effective way to clean the wax out of a menorah. It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s resistant to all things that could remove it. I’ve tried a knife, wax remover, Goo Gone, Draino, acetone, Windex (at my father’s suggestion because he seems to agree with the dad from My Big Fat Greek Wedding that Windex cures everything from acne to AIDS), diesel gasoline, the flesh-eating virus, Rogaine (don’t ask), termites, uranium, Everclear (which I’m pretty sure was far more dangerous than the uranium... the menorah didn't glow on its own before the Everclear... just saying...), and Kryptonite. Nothing works.
But it never occurs to me to buy a new menorah.
It’s not worth buying a new one; I only use it eight nights a year. So even though spending an additional twenty bucks on a new menorah could save me the trouble of having to buy all new stuff when my house is destroyed in a fire, I’m still not going to do it.
The menorahs are only part of the conspiracy though. Because Hanukkah wrapping paper is made out of a substance that is 876 times more flammable than lighter fluid. Literally. If you look at it angrily, it WILL burst into flames. If it’s even in the same zip code as a lit menorah, you’re looking at a six alarm fire.
Which, believe it or not, isn’t the WORST thing that can happen to a single girl, because fire fighters are usually pretty hot. Not Jewish (sorry mom), but hot. In fact, after the last couple of Hanukkahs, my local fire department has ME on speed dial and they call me around sundown every night of the holiday just to see if my house is on fire yet.
And it’s probably a bad sign when I can call 911 and say, “Hey, it’s Sara,” and they respond, “Oh hey! Happy Hanukkah! We already sent out a fire truck, they should be there any second. What's new? How's Rosie?”
Hanukkah is also particularly frustrating in my condo, because I have the world’s most sensitive smoke detector. Literally. It goes off when I dry my hair and every time I cook anything, even though I’ve never had a hair or cooking related fire. And I get REALLY annoyed with it when there IS a fire and it starts going off like ten minutes later. It’s like, thanks Captain Obvious, the fire department just left and you’re going to go off NOW? Fail.
I’m sure I’ve jinxed myself for the last night of Hanukkah by writing about this, because I actually made it through the first seven nights with NO uncontrolled blazes. Of course, the only lighter I could find that actually worked was shaped like a naked chick, which felt kind of wrong to use for religious purposes, but maybe it’s been good luck.
Although, few people know this, but the fire department has a frequent fires card, and if I get ONE more hole punched in it, they're going to give me a firetruck shaped menorah, and I'm not gonna lie, really want to get that. After this many fires, I've earned it!
Happy last night of Hanukkah everyone! And if your house catches on fire and this fireman shows up, please send him my way... we'll call it your Hanukkah present to me.