Friday, August 27, 2010

"Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders!" "He was a zombie?"

My biggest fear in life isn’t public speaking or death. It’s not even my house burning down with all of my shoes inside (although that is up there as one of my biggest fears… I hope it never comes down to me saving a loved one or my shoe collection because I’m not sure who would win).

It’s zombies.

Yes. Zombies.

Brain-eating, limb-losing, undead zombies.
 Okay, not JUST zombies, but any type of creature like that. For example, I know the monsters in I Am Legend were technically supposed to be vampires. But they were close enough to zombies to scare me.

But Sara, you’re a smart, rational person. Why are you so scared of zombies?

Well, since you ask, I blame my best friend, Ary, for instilling me with this pointless, irrational fear. We both saw 28 Weeks Later around the same time and eventually discussed our reactions. She was terrified by the movie. I was bored.

Then how did I begin to fear zombies?

Easy. My best friend talked me into it.

I was never afraid of them as a child. In fact, I used to take Homer Simpson’s view of the zombie situation (that it was fine if you raised the dead, as long as the car was okay).

But a couple weeks after seeing 28 Weeks Later, Ary and I were staying at my uncle’s beach house, where the bedrooms are all on the first floor, and Ary told me that she was freaked out by how easily zombies could break in while we were sleeping. I laughed and reminded her that zombies didn’t exist.

Somehow, she didn’t find this comforting. So, being the friend that I am, I plotted out an escape route for us in case the zombies DID attack. We would run upstairs, climb up into the attic, pull the trap door in the ceiling shut after us, and wait the zombie attack out up there.

She was satisfied with that plan (because I Am Legend hadn’t come out yet, so it didn’t occur to us that they could get to us from the ceiling!), and we went to sleep.

No problem.

I forgot all about the imminent zombie attack.

Until I was back at the beach house by myself a couple weeks later. And when you’re alone in a big house that zombies could easily break into, they suddenly seem a whole lot scarier.

My brother likes to remind me that I really don’t have to fear zombies. Because I wouldn’t be running from them for long; they’d kill and eat me pretty quickly. I do wear heels most of the time, and I am, after all, not known for my athletic ability. Thanks for the vote of confidence though, Adam… Love you too.

Adam’s point, however mean, is valid. Therefore I realized that I had to research what I would actually have to do if I wanted to survive a zombie attack. For example, if you’re running with someone else, trip them. The zombies will be delayed long enough by this snack in their path to potentially allow you to escape.
Of course, now that I’ve put this plan out there, I just screwed myself over, because anyone I’m running with will now try to trip me. And I’m a klutz. I’ll go down pretty easily.

I should probably warn you, before you decide that I’m completely insane, that I DO know that zombies do not exist. I don’t believe in ghosts or zombies or vampires or anything like that. (Although if Eric Northman from True Blood is real, PLEASE, call me. Seriously. I love you. I’ll be your vampire bride ANY day.)

But here’s the problem with not believing in any of that stuff: if you believe in it, at least you know how to deal with it if you run into it. If I don’t believe in zombies, WTF am I supposed to do if I actually encounter one? I know I’m supposed to run or pull out the chainsaw at that point, and I think I’d run for awhile, but once I ran out of people to trip, I think I’d just give up and be like, “Okay, you’re supernatural. You win. Peace out. Enjoy my brains.”

So be warned, if you’re running from zombies with me, I’m going to try to trip you.  And I don't care if we're friends, if you become a zombie, I'm not going to be your friend anymore.  Good for Shaun, from Shaun of the Dead, for staying friends with his bff even after he turned into a zombie.  But I'm not doing that.  If you're a zombie, we're done.

And Ary, if you’re scared of anything else, please don’t tell me.

No comments:

Post a Comment